For one thing, you now look like Drew Carey. I mean, come on, who doesn’t have a secret crush on that balding, middle aged, overweight, hunk of man-meat? Another perk is that now no one has to actually talk to you to discover that you have no identity of your own and that your personality is just as non-existent as the lenses which are not inside your glasses.
I am pretty much convinced that people who wear these glasses do so in the hopes that they might look smart while they do stupid stuff. Rock your dark rims to a club and certainly everyone will think, “Oh I’m sure that girl is only passed out drunk with her skirt around her neck because she is exhausted after a hard day’s work as a neurosurgeon. After all, she is wearing such smart looking glasses.”
Nerd glasses are the newest quick-fix for people who are tired of looking common, boring, slutty or average. Just pop on a pair of these babies and watch as the cigarette that is hanging out of the corner of your mouth starts looking less disgusting and more interesting. The lacy bra that you are wearing as a shirt looks less trashy and more sensual and that ten extra pounds of belly-fat…well actually, no. You still look fat.
Still, some will argue “But Johnny Depp looks so sexy in nerd glasses.” Um, yeah, Johnny Depp looked hot as a dirty, smelly pirate. If you stop showering for months and fill your stinky, matted hair with beads and feathers, people will not dress up like you for Halloween; they will run from you. The Victoria’s Secret models look sexy with giant angel wings strapped to their back. You strap a pair of wings on yourself and I’m willing to bet you look like a cross between big bird and a chubby pterodactyl.
But you are unique; you are creative and thoughtful, so you wear boxy nerd-glasses just like all the other unique teens and 20 something’s that are listening to y-100 and driving daddy’s car to their job at the mall. Because of your glasses, others might wonder if you are secretly a quantum physicist, or at least the type of person who listens to obscure Indie rock. You don’t quite have the balls to dye your hair black, wrap a scarf around your neck and develop an eating disorder, but your dark glasses tell the world that you could be, almost daring.
Unfortunately, your friends and family won’t be so easily fooled by your new pseudo-intellectual look. Your dad will not forget that you dropped out of college, wrecked the family mini-van and are dating that pot-head, unemployed, hippie just because you are hiding your face behind giant glasses. Nor will this nerdy look convince your boyfriend that you are intellectual and full of angst which is the only reason why you had your tongue down some random guy’s throat on your last girls-night-out.
Still, I suppose these trends will always cycle through our society. Heaven knows how much longer inserting plates of precious metal and diamonds over our front teeth can continue to be popular. I’m pretty sure that even Johnny Depp would look like he ate the contents of his mom’s jewelry box and forgot to floss if he popped a grill into his mouth.
But I digress; at least these trends are reversible. Unlike our tendency to permanently ink ourselves and put various pieces of metal in our bodies, these removable trends are much more forgiving. To that fact, I salute nerd glasses for the simple reason that one could, in theory, take them off and maybe get a job or something.
At least one day when we all pull our heads out of our asses and realize that trying so hard to look intelligent made us look even dumber than we actually are, the only evidence that will remain of our unfortunate fashion choices will be archived somewhere on Facebook.
Now, someone let me know when train-track braces start trending for people with perfectly straight teeth. I’m jumping all over that bandwagon.