In case you’re not bored of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s open marriage officially ending after several years of PR which was supposed to make her seem more relatable (ha), People magazine have conducted a post-mortem for your delectation this week.

And by that I mean that the 41-year-old blogger’s flack Stephen Huvane has emailed them a few “insider” quotes that he obviously hoped would paint any new IT’S GWIIN cheating allegations in a favourable light.

But as for Chris, well you’ll find out exactly why poor Gwyn and Chris had to split for good and no it’s not, “she’s a frigging dullard who exists on mung beans and bangs on about detoxing all the time and is too tired for sex because she works out with Tracy Anderson for ten hours every day” as we were all assuming.

Let’s look at what a source tells People:

In this week’s cover story, several friends tell PEOPLE that the pair, who were married for 10 years, at times had an “open” relationship.

Ha! that’s PR speak for: “She cheated several times then rubbed his face in it, because of that one time he was seen kissing Kate Bosworth at a U2 concert. Um hello? Kate’s skinnier than Gwiin, like, how disloyal of Chris amirite?”

The mag’s mystery source continues underlining that it wasn’t cheating because they’d already split up, they just hadn’t told you serfs line:

They were physically separated and emotionally,” says a Paltrow insider. 

Adds a close friend of the 41-year-old actress: “They have been on and off for many years. The marriage was falling apart.” 

But forget Chris maybe or maybe not poking Kate Bosworth and McGoopenstein getting it on with a Glee geek and maybe or maybe not our Stel’s hubby over in London (plus others), Chris committed the worst most fatal sin of all:

The Coldplay rocker, 37, “is the kind of person who is always in a T-shirt,” says another friend.